Alone

Life anywhere can change in a moment, and just like that, mine did. My beloved husband was called home by his Lord on November 4 and I became a widow. It was an accident, so there was no time to prepare for this, no long drawn-out illness to get through. Shock and disbelief claimed me, even now.

Many questions have been thrown at me over the past several weeks: What will you do now? Will you stay here (in the country)? How will you manage this place? Are you afraid to be out here alone? The answers came to mind immediately: Continue on as usual. Yes. I'm not sure. No.

I feel safer in the country than I did in the city. I don't worry about being alone, but I am lonely especially at night. There are so many things I want to ask my husband how to do and I can't. I am thankful it is winter; the growing season is over and I don't have to worry about mowing and planting yet (and winter fits my mood). But there are other chores to contend with in winter - covering plants, wrapping pipes, draining the sprinkler system. I don't know if I can stay here, if I can keep up this place, but something in me wants to stay and see if I can do it. Of what am I made? My husband used to ask me if I would stay there if something happened to him. I would laugh, say "No, I would move nearer the girls" and than tell him to not ask that question again. But now that it's a reality, I can't leave. It's where I feel him the most. It's our home - his and mine.

So, I will stay. I will learn (it's a pretty steep learning curve ahead of me!) as I go. I have country friends who will help me, and I have city friends with "green acres" envy who are eager for an invitation to ride the tractor for me. It's an adventure I would rather not take, but I will meet the challenge set before me.